Put some sunscreen on your nose and take off your clothes because it’s time to go to the beaches of death! That’s right, the beaches of death, where skeletons are only concerned with the surf on the oceans of… beer? Sure, that sounds about right. I’m Lou Sifer, and I’m here to tell you about a once-in-a-lifetime trip bookable only through your favorite travel agency, Volcanova, based all the way in Iceland. You’ll be dying to visit!
I know what you’re thinking, ‘Mr. Sifer, what’s the catch?,’ to which I say, please, just call me Lou! The only thing you’ll have to worry about catching is some sick-ass waves! With Volcanova‘s premier Radical Waves vacation package, you’ll embark on an all-expenses-paid adventure to the sunny, desert-rich islands of riffs and melody the likes of which you’ve never seen, because they don’t exist in your realm! Don’t worry, we are definitely 420 friendly – stoners, roast that bone while you enjoy your new permanent home!
What amenities and attractions can you enjoy with our Radical Waves package? As soon as you hit the streets, you could be saying “I’m Off” as you BYOB (Bring Your Own Body) to one of our fully-stocked open bars to get ‘fuckin’ wasted‘ as the locals say! Sing your favorite drinking songs loud and proud as you imbibe yourself with our potent, catchy spirits best enjoyed with your pals. To soak in all that booze, you can zombie shuffle on over to eat with “Sushi Sam”, our resident sulfuric chef able to meet all your dietary needs. If you hear a little cowbell, don’t worry – that’s just Sam smashing up some stone crab for his customers. The dude has rhythm!
If you wish to explore all that these stoned lands have to offer, we include the “Super Duper Van” transportation service that will get you anywhere you need to be at the speed of light, or give you a slow and low stroll so you can enjoy the view. Ask them for a sampling of the best music the island has to offer and they’ll treat you to some of the best stoner rock you’ve heard in years. No matter what you wish, our drivers are personable, accommodating, and totally sober, ready to delight in pleasures of the night!†
For the adrenaline junkies, why not take a trip up to our tallest, treacherous “Mountain”. Up there, you’ll find the most gritty and crunchy sounds emanating from the surrounding canyons and caverns that really provide unique acoustics to jam out to. If you see a guy asking about a towel, just ignore him. While you’re up there, be sure to say high to our local tourist trapper, the “Stoneman Snowman”. He’s a big boy, but don’t worry, he runs a lot slower than you think. If you get close enough, you can hear his bassy voice hum ever so gently to complement the deserty tones found all over our Radical Waves tour.
Yes, with Volcanova‘s Radical Waves vacation package, you’re shore to have a killer visit. Remarkably enjoyable and endlessly repeatable, which is convenient because once you come, you can’t leave. But why would you?! We have everything a fan of rockin’ times and smokin’ dimes could ever want. Don’t believe me? Come take a look yourself and bring the whole family. It’s a hell of a groovy time, or my name isn’t Lou Sifer. I’ll bet your soul on it! Just sign our waiver absolving us of any fault should something gruesome happen to you and this experience is all yours to have – in blood if you please.
†tasseled leather jacket not included